If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.