I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.