“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete