*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My patience has stretch marks.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…