I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank