Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
happy valentine’s day to me
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.