Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?