Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
You Might Also Like
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Krampus.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
is this a threat
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?