As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards