My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days