Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Awesome parenting 😂
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
PARKOUR
Just as the prophecy foretold
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.