Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I saw nothing
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I don’t know what to do
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.