You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I finally found a reason to live again.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.