interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.