migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
You Might Also Like
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
The Sun
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.