Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.