if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Stop making fast and furious movies.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’