I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
dutch is not a serious language
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
*aggressively waits in line*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek