“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.