I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.