Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
It was worth a shot 😂
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Mornin. * use accordingly
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
love pickles so much i put myself in one