gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
You Might Also Like
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”