Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now