Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”