Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
According to math, I’m broke
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
guys i’ve cracked the code
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.