It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.