[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
When I laugh on my period
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
When your man makes a valid point
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick