pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.