Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business