Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I am also baked goods
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute