[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
😲 WTF? 😆
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener