Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
dutch so unserious
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.