GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
You Might Also Like
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Dune (2021)
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly