I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
❤️❤️❤️
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.