I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“A little help here, Danny?”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.