Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.