girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.