For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁