My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Bros before Ohioes
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf