You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My what?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”