Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
What flavor cupcake are these
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️