Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The first one, obviously
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m having an out of money experience.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall