If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.