How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
You deplete me
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
my proudest tweet
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again