If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”