“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.