[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
is this a warning or an offer?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
🤣😈🤣
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?