Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.