“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.