Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You Might Also Like
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
🤣could you imagine
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
ouch